I am happy to report that I am still capable of running into walls despite decades of separation from young adulthood! I… think I might mean that, weirdly enough. The ability to be so into something that you wear yourself out doing it is a reminder that life continues to surprise and engage me, and I can’t be mad about that. (It even encapsulates my theme here for 2026, which is dynamic and positive attitudes toward an exciting future!)
Having said that… wow, did I run into a wall. Around Tuesday I started feeling seedy, like I couldn’t raise the energy to do things as easily. By Thursday I was done. Like “can’t even look at my computer” done. Friday we hit the “too tired to look at a phone,” even. There were several days where I took a nap in the middle of the day and yet was in bed by 7:30 (and asleep!). My stomach completely refused to do any useful work for days.
There’s burnt-out, and then there’s nuclear-crisped, and I definitely hit the latter.
On the bright side, I hit this wall by going from ‘what if I finally made a game’ to ‘the game is working, has players, they play and are having fun, and they sometimes buy premium currency for cosmetic/convenience items’ in about 4.5 months. Which is wild, when you consider something like Stardew Valley took 8 years. I think ‘game will hit beta in summer’ is still an accurate statement, but it’s fun now and that’s a crazy accomplishment.
I’ve given myself until May to focus entirely on it before I consider other projects, but the pressure to multitask is so extreme that it’s hard. Interestingly, I’ve discovered that there are two separate forces trying to pull me away: one is obligation (“I SHOULD be writing”) and the other is desire (“I WANT to write”) and up until now that ratio has been 99% obligation to 1% desire.
…which… is a great way to burn out creatively, and was probably why writing has been so hard for me for a long while. Maybe it took writing a game to remember what desire feels like, because I WANT to finish the game... badly enough to do what amounts to a coding sprint for over four months. But the longer I abstain from writing, the more I remember that I enjoy it. I’d say the ratio right now is closer to 70% obligation and 30% desire. If I keep to my original promise to myself—to focus on the game until beta—I think that ratio will continue moving in the right direction and I might actually be refreshed.
It says something that I can’t remember the last time I felt refreshed. Refilling the creative well when you’ve turned most of your creative pursuits into monetary ones is difficult. It’s like you’ve built traps into everything that used to make you feel alive.
But I definitely feel alive now! Or at least, I did until I crashed out from exhaustion. XD
I had some things I wanted to do this month, but contemplating them makes me want to go back to bed. So I think I’ll continue my slow convalescence and get to those things when I’m less fried. There will be a Back in Time Tuesday this week though, so you can look forward to that tomorrow!
I think tomorrow is Tuesday, isn't it?😄
