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The Jaguar's Heart 4: State of the Jaguar March 2021

Update about art/writing stuff... sorry if I sound a little hoarse, it's allergy season. Here's the transcript:


Hi, y’all. Something different this week, but important, because I feel I owe my patrons and long-time supporters some insight into the inside of this artist’s head. It’s been about two months since I committed to reforming my career, and about one since I embarked on the primary vehicle for that reform (the audio rambles here on Locals), and I’ve produced three of those and written scripts for another two, so I feel like I’m slowly finding my way into a groove.

Is it helping? That part, I don’t know.

There’s a lot of stuff that appalls me right now. The news is full of symptoms of a disease I feel people are missing because they’re too busy debating the details, and how the details (alone and taken out of context) aren’t as alarming as alarmists are making them look. Maybe it’s because I have relatives who were victims of a real revolution, and who are connected with a community that’s seen several more such revolutions… but I keep seeing past the surface into the driving forces and they are malevolent and familiar.

When people who have witnessed true and terrible revolutions tell you: ‘we have seen this before’… it’s a good idea to listen.

So my headspace isn’t any less apocalyptic than it was months ago when I started tracking deplatformings in my private database. And I don’t feel creative, or hopeful, because I don’t see that what I’ve made has created a world that will accept me, when a lot of what I write is an attempt to demonstrate that hope and love are possible, important. When I say that people inevitably tell me it’s hubris to believe you can change the world, but I don’t want to change the entire world. I want to change my, local world, the communities I interact with, the industry I was a part of. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want, and to believe that, you can make a difference in the places you inhabit.

But that didn’t happen. Even when I pointed out, over and over, that what was happening was bad. Having that flung back in my face for decades, and then topped off with having the same poisons invade society at large, has not made me feel like my art is worthwhile. And to be honest, there’s a lot of anger and resentment that I don’t know how to deal with simmering around that… because it’s hard not to think ‘why did you allow this to happen? Why do you consume my art, but not protect the artist?’

I am not saying, to be clear, that these feelings are fair. The only reason I bring any of this up is because it’s part of the mess keeping me from working. I know it’s my problem to resolve, and I don’t know how to work on it but I’m guessing time? Maybe time will help? Hopefully?

On a personal level, I have never quite faced a challenge like this, and there have been some super dark parts of my life.

Having said that, something is slowly hauling itself out of the muck and that’s my sense of duty. I can’t abandon my work on a practical/moral level because dropping all responsibility for our family’s income on my husband’s shoulders is wrong. And I can’t abandon my work on a spiritual/moral level because if you believe, as I do, that we were all sent to Earth with divine gifts, and are charged with using those gifts to help our fellow humans on their journey, then those gifts are not yours to withhold. God is patient, and I’m sure He’s willing to wait out any distress that might be holding me back… but at the same time, I shouldn’t use that patience as an excuse to evade my duties.

I have duties. I believe in them. And duty saves you, sometimes, when you run out of everything else that keeps you going. So, even though I feel dead inside, I am making myself work, no matter how rote or mechanical the process. I’m sure everything I’m producing is garbage. But I’m producing it anyway, because I don’t trust my perception of anything at this point, and it’s entirely possible that it only looks like garbage to me and other people will think it’s fine. Besides, if it really is garbage it can be recycled.

Since I have no interest or inspiration for anything, I have returned to my schedule until I discover a desire to do anything else. At the beginning of February I hammered out an outline for the last Fallowtide book I need to finish before I can move on to Surela’s trilogy, which was what was on my list. It’s the most complete outline for anything I’ve ever written, because I know I can’t rely on excitement to keep me going… and without that, the best way to prevent myself from coasting to a halt is to always know what I’m supposed to write next. Using that outline, I’ve managed to get 17% of the estimated total done. It’s going to be a big book, but if I keep trudging at this pace I should have it done before summer.

After that, I will probably begin my trudge through the remainder of Zafiil, unless something else comes up.

The most likely thing that might is Kherishdar—that will fail to surprise those of you regulars, because Kherishdar is where I put a lot of my grief. I have an outline for Kherishdar 5 now, and I’m sitting on it because it is so sad that I can’t really see past the sadness to be sure it’s a good story. (I should probably get someone to listen to a synopsis and tell me if it sounds compelling or if I’m just using it as self-inflicted therapy.)

Historically speaking, the last Kherishdar novel was also inspired by my grief at exactly the same thing I’m witnessing now: the breakdown of civility in society, and yes, it was four years ago during the last election cycle that it started pushing at me. So it’s very likely there will be another Kherishdar novel, it’s just a matter of when I feel I can start it. That’s why I have pulled out the old language notebooks and am trying, slowly, to remember that headspace.

Art-wise… I don’t know. I have managed a few sketches since November, but the stop-up is real. But I am letting that be for a while, particularly since I am once again moving studios, a process I’m not sure will be done before May or June. That’s probably around when livestreaming will become possible again. If by then I’m not feeling the art… that’s when I’ll decide it’s a problem.

My plans for this year make it clear that I’m going to have to tighten my belt, because unless something weird happens I’m well on my way to cratering my income. (The switch from Patreon has been bad for that, as I expected, and royalties are down noticably.) But every freelancing career has up years and down years, and you just have to power through the down years.

That’s where I am, then. You don’t want to see the inside of my head, and I’m not entirely sure anything I’m writing isn’t a hot mess that will fail to resonate with people because it’s obvious my heart is out to lunch. But I am trying to work through it anyway, Because Duty.

Hopefully in another few months, things will be… different. I won’t say better because who knows. But different. And thank you all, for sticking with me through it. Several of you have sent me personal notes that have been incredibly supportive, and I haven’t answered them yet but they made and make a difference. I appreciate all of you, your thoughtful discussions, and your commitment to civility and true diversity, always. Y'all are awesome.

Jaguar out.

The Jaguar's Heart 4: State of the Jaguar March 2021
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Video Review: Oil Painting Papers

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November 09, 2021
Alysha Misc

Thanks for your comments yesterday on the business post... all very provocative, in a good way. I'll try to respond to all of them today.

Some Alysha misc now, since I'm gearing up for the results of the Kickstarter!

Petrov is giving away coupon codes for every book in the Alysha series (and has some leftover coupons for Marda and the business book). You can pick those up here (and please do! The books are bought already, someone should use them!) https://twitter.com/PetrovNeutrino/status/1457344535843987461

Our own @JudasComplex sent along a sample of the Faith in the Service audiobook, which I've attached for your delight! I... haven't had a chance to listen to it. Don't ask me about my past week and a half or so. Putting it here will guarantee I get to it.

After hearing the amused comments during the livestream, I went ahead and added all the ship type illustrations I have inked from the 90s to the wiki. Glory in the rampant adorableness of their anthropomorphic stylings! See those ...

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The Jaguar's Heart 7: We Are Not a Monolith

A little comedy today, at least in the link. Transcript follows.


Hi, all. Welcome to this episode of The Jaguar’s Heart.

A while back I was introduced to a comedy sketch about Cuban coffee by a Mexican comedian, Gabriel Iglesias. ( The sketch begins with him greeting all his fellow Latinos and then backing up to say ‘but we’re all different, aren’t we’ which is a segue into a demonstration of how different Hispanics speak Spanish.

It is hilarious. First, because I am a Spanish speaker and a linguistics hobbyist, and his portrayal of various accents resonated with my experiences in trying to make sense of them myself… Not always easy, since from culture to culture, slang and accent are often totally different (and sometimes grammar! Spaniards use a grammatical construct that has died out in many other Spanish-speaking countries, the plural “you.”)

I also loved it because the Cuban coffee part is real. I grew up with Cubans. I know how we are....

The Jaguar's Heart 7: We Are Not a Monolith
The Jaguar's Heart 6: Hatespeech

One of the most common things I hear (and say) right now is "the asymmetry is the story." Here's one about how none of us are innocent of the sins we hate in others.


Hi, all. Welcome to this week’s episode of The Jaguar’s Heart.

It’s been weeks since the Baen’s Bar incident and I’m still thinking about it... because the longer I do, the more I feel, overwhelmingly, that it’s obvious that the problem is deeper than “this forum was saying stuff that offended us.” We have to back up to the glaring fact that people on opposite sides no longer consider each other human. Nothing I say will matter because the people disagreeing with me don’t think I’m human. They have denied my humanity; they have not bothered to listen to my beliefs, or have fake-listened to them in that way that people do when they’re so ready to prove you wrong that they’re only using your speech to provide talking points for their own ideas.

We have forgotten how to listen.

Increasingly, we have also ...

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Come See the New Site Design!

I have been hacking at this for nearly two weeks! But I think I'm minimally viable (other than a few niggling CSS errors I'm chasing down). Everything's been redesigned around the quiz, and the store in particular got overhauled in a way that hopefully makes what you want to shop for easier to find. Please go wander my website and my revamped shopify store and tell me if there's anything that breaks for you (or that delights you - there are easter eggs!). The site should change colors based on the time of day, and there are random fun facts to read (and click on) and other things, too. Plus, the quiz! And such. :)

Website: https://mcahogarth.org

Quiz: https://mcahogarth.org/bookrec/

Shop: https://studiomcah.com/

What’s the Jaguar Up To?

Mostly, what the jaguar is up to is resting, because I managed to overuse my hands/arm/shoulder and now every time I type or sit at the computer or drawing board, I aggravate the injury. Very frustrating! But I wanted to get out this (mostly dictated) update for you!

Kherishdar 5 is about 2/3rds done, and Conversations 3 is 90% done. (Yes, imagine my frustration that I’m this close and can’t keep going!). I’m still anticipating an early summer date for those.

The gamelit novel is now available at retail, which means it’s officially out! It will finish serializing on PatreLocals and then I’ll decide what I’m serializing next. If you’ve read it and feel like dropping a review on Amazon, Goodreads, or my shop, I’d appreciate it! And the special edition will be available once I okay the new proof, which probably won’t get to me for another month or so. Sorry! Special editions take a long time to print. Here's the "Every retailer" landing page; note that AI-audio is the only ...

Gamelit Final (gg gg)
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INNNNNCOMING
News for Early Summer 2025

KICKSTARTER KICKSTARTER GO GO GO

The Jokka kickstarter launches Thursday! And runs for 12 days, so if you want any of the original art (or one of the few “get yourself drawn as one of the Jokka” slots), go sign up to be notified of launch!

ON THE HORIZON: A LOT MORE ART

Scott Adams is fond of saying that you either want something, or you decide. That if you’re in the ‘I want’ phase, you don’t actually take steps; things only start happening when you have decided they’re going to happen. And I, ariisen, have finally decided I’m sick of not scanning and archiving my sketchbooks and turning them into stuff you can enjoy, like art books and prints and wiki images! I’ve already done Sketchbooks 1-10, and I’ve made a start on the next set of ten.

My plan is to run a Kickstarter for the first art book in a month or two (so if you’re a fan of my art more than my writing, your campaign is coming!) and use that as the proof-of-concept for the process for the remaining 200 or so… see where the issues are, streamline where I can, order proofs of the art book and decide what paper I like and what kinds of covers are economically feasible. I’ve timed myself and it takes about two hours to scan one sketchbook, if I stand there and do nothing but turn pages. I don’t think I can make that part go by faster, but I might be able to do something about the post-processing phase. Let the experimentation begin!

While I’m doing that, I’ll be posting some of the scans here! These posts will be separate from Back in Time Tuesday, which is for finished artwork dug out of the closet from whatever time period I feel like sharing. This means the Patreon will be getting EVEN MORE ART.

I’m debating right now whether the art sharing will be my “serial” until I’m ready to serialize new fiction. Someone also suggested writing wiki/worldbuilding entries as serial content, which might be fun. But I’m still only wanting to do those things—I definitely haven’t decided. Until then, there definitely will be an art explosion. I’ve montaged some things up there as demonstration of what you have to look forward to!

If you are a lurker, now’s a good time to decide whether you want to subscribe to contribute to my coffee fund. I do, in fact, literally drink a cup of coffee while trapped in my laundry room, turning pages and leaning on the drier! Or if you’re a paying subscriber, consider buying me a monthly coffee if you’re currently in the ‘tossing the jaguar a buck’ club. My coffee capsules are closer to $2 after shipping. XD

We’re all overloaded and looking for moments of beauty and cheer and inspiration in our days. A lot of this older artwork is silly, or delightful, or cartoonical, and I think it might be just what we need.

Seriously, check out happy bee guy there. What even was that. Lol.😂

Anyway, I'm doing the things! Jokka! Art! Fun! Forth!

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Gamelit 54 (cant wait to play)
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