studiomcah
Art • Books • Writing
Patience with the Journey
April 11, 2023

It is a thing I return to, and that becomes more urgent the older I grow and the more work I’ve made: what it means, to have such a consistently released body of work, representing decades of personal change. Write one book every five or six years, and you don’t have to answer for much. Write three to five books a year, year after year, for decades, and suddenly there’s a very clear progression on display for anyone willing to dig in.

What does that mean?

Artists have little by way of model for engaging with their older works: the most perennial stories are those that portray an embarrassed creator, dismissing their prior pieces as unworthy or callow and holding up the current piece as the more proper representation of the artist as she is; or the oblivious creative, who doesn’t realize she’s rewriting the same stories over and over—in that version, it’s the audience that’s embarrassed for the artist, who doesn’t realize she hasn’t been saying anything new in decades.

In the past, my philosophy has been unformed by anything other than a desire to honor readers who love the works written by a younger me: regardless of my feelings about my work when it felt less polished, or more unapologetic about its enthusiasms, those stories spoke to people, and for me to disown them was to reject their fans, or slight their taste. But that was a thing built from my empathy for others, and never addressed my personal feelings.

I suppose the real seed started germinating three years ago, when I was asked to put together the gallery exhibit for my high school alma mater. So many of the stories I’m writing now saw their genesis, as rough as it was, in my high school notebooks… my oldest canonical characters were brainstormed in middle school, and while they evolved a great deal Teen Me would recognize them instantly. Given that, what did I want to say to a hall full of teen girls? What else except ‘sometimes the ideas you have as a child are as worthwhile as you think?’ and ‘the themes that engage you as a girl may carry you through the rest of your life?’

What an outrageous statement that is when we have two equally untenable stories about that too, either ‘you need to grow up and leave your childhood things behind’ and ‘children are only ever interested in frivolous things.’ How much more challenging is it to say otherwise? The things that really matter will always matter, no matter how old you are, and no matter how young you are, you will recognize them. The only thing that will change is your experience of them.

Last month, while my father was in the hospital, I started listening to the audio edition of An Heir to Thorns and Steel… mostly because moving that series onto bandcamp reminded me that it existed, and checking the upload made me want to keep listening… and I did. I listened to all three books while juggling daily hospital visits with school commutes and other responsibilities… and when he died, I listened to it again while walking endless circles around my neighborhood in the dark, with dry cheeks and a constriction in my chest. Morgan’s books are some of the hardest I’ve written, anguished and uncompromising, and I wrote them at a time in my life—almost 17 years ago—when I was struggling with health issues that were consuming me and the people around me. All that pain is in it… and in that pain, like lances of light, the constant reminder that God is most luminous when we are weakest.

I replayed the final book a third time as I walked, not knowing why I needed to hear it so badly until I understood—abruptly and stunned—that Younger Me was talking through the story… to me. So clearly that the story peeled away and left her naked, in that space between past and present, and between two people. God is real, she was saying, through every chapter. Even in your darkest moments, God is real, truth is real, goodness matters, and the light triumphs. It triumphs in glory, redeeming all your grief and suffering.

Many people offered me comfort, and I honor them for the love that inspired their efforts. But none of them could reach me the way the me of the past could, by reminding me of things I believe, and have always believed. She didn’t know that her trials would end; she wrote to defy pain its victory over her, even if only in the moment. And I didn’t hear the words as a promise that suffering ends, because Young Me and Old Me both know that suffering only ends in the grave. It’s that she was frozen in that eternal now, where she didn’t know if she would ever be free and still she chose to believe in hope and goodness, that struck a consonance with the me of the present. In both our nows, we were desolate, and Young Me reminded me that I had chosen meaning over hopelessness, and that that choice still mattered to me, and that because I made it then and made it now, I was making it always, over and over, eternally.

In the past I have looked back on this series and thought it too raw and too mired in its extremes, darkness and brightness both. I no longer think of it as too anything. It was exactly what it had to be, and exactly what I needed. And it proved my point to the teens I spoke to at that gallery opening: the themes that fascinated me as a girl continue to fascinate me, because they continue to be relevant. How do you live up to the challenges love brings you? What do you do when confronted with trials that might break you? How do you love God in a vale of tears?

How do you live a life of meaning?

We can choose to be embarrassed by our younger self’s fumbling with our themes, or we can see them for what they are: the beginning of a lifetime of striving toward answers, knowing that we never fully achieve them. And sometimes our earlier reactions are truer, because our younger selves were less easily embarrassed by their enthusiasms and hungers, and those passions can reveal things that rationalizing obscures and experience can warp. Young Me can say, unashamed, “Life can be so bad you want to die, but God wins,” in a way that Old Me would try to refine or complicate. The polished version isn’t better. It’s just different, a facet on the same stone, cutting away toward the clear perfection at the center.

We do write the same story, over and over, and it can be a needful thing if we recognize that we’re always finding new perspectives on the same themes. It’s only boring if we never grow… and sometimes not even that, because you never know when the way you’ve said it this time is the way it will reach someone, the way nothing else in my oeuvre comforted me the way Morgan’s story did though so many of my stories confront the paradox of suffering.

I will never be done with the difficulties of living a life of light in a fallen universe. My stories won’t be either. And I no longer worry so much that my older work might grapple with those themes in a way I wouldn’t today. That’s a sign that I’m learning the most difficult and important lessons we can in this lifetime. And part of that is knowing that sometimes, the way I answered those questions in the past can be a more perfect response to the present than any reaction I might have today.

By many measures, I’m in the prime of my working life, with decades of experience behind me, artistic and personal. Many writers don’t begin writing until retirement! I can look forward to—I hope—many years before me of art-making. I wonder what piece I’m creating now will give guidance and comfort to a future me… and what readers will make of my arc when I have fifty years of published work behind me rather than twenty-five. Now I can hope that there will be something in my oeuvre for everyone, regardless of where they are in their journey, or what answers make sense to them. This, at last, is the beginning of what I was seeking: a healthy way of engaging with your earlier work and considering your future work… not as things divorced from you, but as an unbroken whole. Which is, in the end, another theme repeated in all my work, from the oldest to the newest: ‘we are never done until we are complete, and never complete until we are gone.’

All the moments that led to this moment are in this moment now. All the work I’ve ever made is in the work I’m making now, and will be in the work I have yet to make. A gift, I think, from a loving God, a hint of transcendence, of the artificiality of time. How good it is that it might be so.

May we be worthy of the gift.

community logo
Join the studiomcah Community
To read more articles like this, sign up and join my community today
8
What else you may like…
Videos
Podcasts
Posts
Articles
October 27, 2021
Cursive Practice Video, to Relax

Or at least, I intend it to be relaxing. Hopefully it delivers.
4:22 minutes

Materials:

00:04:27
Overview of the First Oil Paint Experiment

In which I talk about the paper, the paint, and the experience of oils versus gouache. Fun stuff, will do more.

Thank you Locals supporters! Your contribution to my art war chest here is what's powering these experiments and videos. For now I'm keeping them public but I may start doing some subscriber-only videos if you all are interested.💖

00:03:35
Video Review: Oil Painting Papers

My initial review on receipt of the three oil paper products I ordered: the Canson pad, the Rembrandt block, and the Arches single sheets.

00:01:54
November 09, 2021
Alysha Misc

Thanks for your comments yesterday on the business post... all very provocative, in a good way. I'll try to respond to all of them today.

Some Alysha misc now, since I'm gearing up for the results of the Kickstarter!

Petrov is giving away coupon codes for every book in the Alysha series (and has some leftover coupons for Marda and the business book). You can pick those up here (and please do! The books are bought already, someone should use them!) https://twitter.com/PetrovNeutrino/status/1457344535843987461

Our own @JudasComplex sent along a sample of the Faith in the Service audiobook, which I've attached for your delight! I... haven't had a chance to listen to it. Don't ask me about my past week and a half or so. Putting it here will guarantee I get to it.

After hearing the amused comments during the livestream, I went ahead and added all the ship type illustrations I have inked from the 90s to the wiki. Glory in the rampant adorableness of their anthropomorphic stylings! See those ...

Alysha Misc
The Jaguar's Heart 7: We Are Not a Monolith

A little comedy today, at least in the link. Transcript follows.


Hi, all. Welcome to this episode of The Jaguar’s Heart.

A while back I was introduced to a comedy sketch about Cuban coffee by a Mexican comedian, Gabriel Iglesias. ( The sketch begins with him greeting all his fellow Latinos and then backing up to say ‘but we’re all different, aren’t we’ which is a segue into a demonstration of how different Hispanics speak Spanish.

It is hilarious. First, because I am a Spanish speaker and a linguistics hobbyist, and his portrayal of various accents resonated with my experiences in trying to make sense of them myself… Not always easy, since from culture to culture, slang and accent are often totally different (and sometimes grammar! Spaniards use a grammatical construct that has died out in many other Spanish-speaking countries, the plural “you.”)

I also loved it because the Cuban coffee part is real. I grew up with Cubans. I know how we are....

The Jaguar's Heart 7: We Are Not a Monolith
The Jaguar's Heart 6: Hatespeech

One of the most common things I hear (and say) right now is "the asymmetry is the story." Here's one about how none of us are innocent of the sins we hate in others.


Hi, all. Welcome to this week’s episode of The Jaguar’s Heart.

It’s been weeks since the Baen’s Bar incident and I’m still thinking about it... because the longer I do, the more I feel, overwhelmingly, that it’s obvious that the problem is deeper than “this forum was saying stuff that offended us.” We have to back up to the glaring fact that people on opposite sides no longer consider each other human. Nothing I say will matter because the people disagreeing with me don’t think I’m human. They have denied my humanity; they have not bothered to listen to my beliefs, or have fake-listened to them in that way that people do when they’re so ready to prove you wrong that they’re only using your speech to provide talking points for their own ideas.

We have forgotten how to listen.

Increasingly, we have also ...

The Jaguar's Heart 6: Hatespeech
Come See the New Site Design!

I have been hacking at this for nearly two weeks! But I think I'm minimally viable (other than a few niggling CSS errors I'm chasing down). Everything's been redesigned around the quiz, and the store in particular got overhauled in a way that hopefully makes what you want to shop for easier to find. Please go wander my website and my revamped shopify store and tell me if there's anything that breaks for you (or that delights you - there are easter eggs!). The site should change colors based on the time of day, and there are random fun facts to read (and click on) and other things, too. Plus, the quiz! And such. :)

Website: https://mcahogarth.org

Quiz: https://mcahogarth.org/bookrec/

Shop: https://studiomcah.com/

What’s the Jaguar Up To?

Mostly, what the jaguar is up to is resting, because I managed to overuse my hands/arm/shoulder and now every time I type or sit at the computer or drawing board, I aggravate the injury. Very frustrating! But I wanted to get out this (mostly dictated) update for you!

Kherishdar 5 is about 2/3rds done, and Conversations 3 is 90% done. (Yes, imagine my frustration that I’m this close and can’t keep going!). I’m still anticipating an early summer date for those.

The gamelit novel is now available at retail, which means it’s officially out! It will finish serializing on PatreLocals and then I’ll decide what I’m serializing next. If you’ve read it and feel like dropping a review on Amazon, Goodreads, or my shop, I’d appreciate it! And the special edition will be available once I okay the new proof, which probably won’t get to me for another month or so. Sorry! Special editions take a long time to print. Here's the "Every retailer" landing page; note that AI-audio is the only ...

Gamelit Final (gg gg)
Read full Article
INNNNNCOMING
News for Early Summer 2025

KICKSTARTER KICKSTARTER GO GO GO

The Jokka kickstarter launches Thursday! And runs for 12 days, so if you want any of the original art (or one of the few “get yourself drawn as one of the Jokka” slots), go sign up to be notified of launch!

ON THE HORIZON: A LOT MORE ART

Scott Adams is fond of saying that you either want something, or you decide. That if you’re in the ‘I want’ phase, you don’t actually take steps; things only start happening when you have decided they’re going to happen. And I, ariisen, have finally decided I’m sick of not scanning and archiving my sketchbooks and turning them into stuff you can enjoy, like art books and prints and wiki images! I’ve already done Sketchbooks 1-10, and I’ve made a start on the next set of ten.

My plan is to run a Kickstarter for the first art book in a month or two (so if you’re a fan of my art more than my writing, your campaign is coming!) and use that as the proof-of-concept for the process for the remaining 200 or so… see where the issues are, streamline where I can, order proofs of the art book and decide what paper I like and what kinds of covers are economically feasible. I’ve timed myself and it takes about two hours to scan one sketchbook, if I stand there and do nothing but turn pages. I don’t think I can make that part go by faster, but I might be able to do something about the post-processing phase. Let the experimentation begin!

While I’m doing that, I’ll be posting some of the scans here! These posts will be separate from Back in Time Tuesday, which is for finished artwork dug out of the closet from whatever time period I feel like sharing. This means the Patreon will be getting EVEN MORE ART.

I’m debating right now whether the art sharing will be my “serial” until I’m ready to serialize new fiction. Someone also suggested writing wiki/worldbuilding entries as serial content, which might be fun. But I’m still only wanting to do those things—I definitely haven’t decided. Until then, there definitely will be an art explosion. I’ve montaged some things up there as demonstration of what you have to look forward to!

If you are a lurker, now’s a good time to decide whether you want to subscribe to contribute to my coffee fund. I do, in fact, literally drink a cup of coffee while trapped in my laundry room, turning pages and leaning on the drier! Or if you’re a paying subscriber, consider buying me a monthly coffee if you’re currently in the ‘tossing the jaguar a buck’ club. My coffee capsules are closer to $2 after shipping. XD

We’re all overloaded and looking for moments of beauty and cheer and inspiration in our days. A lot of this older artwork is silly, or delightful, or cartoonical, and I think it might be just what we need.

Seriously, check out happy bee guy there. What even was that. Lol.😂

Anyway, I'm doing the things! Jokka! Art! Fun! Forth!

Read full Article
Gamelit 54 (cant wait to play)
Read full Article
See More
Available on mobile and TV devices
google store google store app store app store
google store google store app tv store app tv store amazon store amazon store roku store roku store
Powered by Locals